Conversations with Preteens
About Sex #2
By:
Susan Adams Oct. l, 2009
This article has not been printed anywhere and is being
submitted to MES-it does appear on my website.
Objective: The objective of this article is to acquaint readers
with the kinds of issues that interest preteens and ways to
discuss them.
Summary: Many confusions exist for preteens about sex and it is
important to straighten them out. In addition, issues of social
and emotional adjustment are present. We need to be aware of
how our non-verbal behavior influences our children as well
where sex is concerned. This article is a discussion of these
issues.
"Can you have a baby when you kiss a
boy?" This kind of question, common at this age, points up the
kind of confusions that exist for preteens. It is why we can't
take anything for granted when we go to explain the biological
facts about sex.
However, information and
misinformation are only one aspect of sex education. More
significantly, the attitudes that are both conscious and
unconscious that are transmitted from parent to child greatly
affect our children's attitudes abut sex.
Not all parents today completely
accept their own sexuality and children often sense whatever
hang-ups may be present. We need to be aware of our own
attitudes and beliefs so that we can transmit the messages that
we believe are healthy to our children.
A healthy attitude toward sex would
recognize the necessity for helping children accept their sex
drives and feelings as normal and that everyone has them. This
is positive. These feelings and drives need to be managed so
that people don't get into patterns of simply acting out what
they are feeling without restraint. This is true for behaviors
other than sex. That is, we are teaching "mindfulness" to our
children as we need to practice it ourselves. This means making
conscious decisions about what we do in response to what we
feel. This is related to thinking about consequences of our
behavior.
Sexuality, in its broadest sense,
needs to be seen as not just a biological phenomenon, but as an
important part of personality and closely related to social and
emotional development.
Other major sources of sex education
are family values and relationships that develop steadily over
the formative years of our children. Parents reach out to their
children in love and the loving feels warm. This is how
children develop the capacity for affection and the capacity to
love which is, possibly, the most important ingredient for
healthy sexuality.
Thus, basic attitudes added to
family values really educate for sexuality and are the outcome
of living, loving, and learning in the family.
Children need information as well.
Sometimes parents are uneasy about answering questions about
sex. If parents are uneasy, children pick up the awkwardness.
It may be useful for parents in this position to explain to
children that sex may not have been freely talked about when
they were growing up. Hence, they are trying to provide an
experience that they, the parent, didn't have. This makes the
awkwardness less and understandable at the same time, and casts
a lovely light on the intent of the parent to improve things
with their own child.
Giving children straight and honest
answers has always been important. There is so much coming from
the media in the way of sexual comments and images which reflect
values that we abhor that sound information given by thoughtful
adults can help separate truth from fiction and health from
bizarre. If you don't know the answer, it is fine to say that
and propose that "we find out together."
If parents want to be truly helpful,
they must find out what children really know and what confuses
them. This is the way we fill in gaps of understanding. Don't
make the situation a question and answer experience. Make it a
conversation.
Answer questions in a manner that is
age-appropriate. A question about masturbation needs an answer
about masturbation and not abut sexual intercourse. Having a
knowledge about preteens and where they are in their sexual
development is a useful guide. Your local library can help you
find informative books on the subject.
Most of all, preteens are concerned
about their changing or not-changing bodies. This would make
them anxious even if they did all change at the same time.
However, with everyone growing at a different rate, the concern
is magnified. The anxiety gets expressed in many ways. There
are preoccupations with being ugly, with malformed babies, with
miscarriages, homosexuality, and sex-change operations.
These preoccupations are in part due
to the preteen"s curiosity with the unusual but also reflect the
preteen's concerns with ,"can this happen to me?" Reassurance
is important here that though these things do happen, they are
rare and that some of the bizarre stories the child has heard
are just myth.
Many girls worry that they will
menstruate for the fir time unexpectedly-at school-and will be
embarrassed. Reassuring them that the total discharge during
four to five days only averages about four ounces--a half a
cup--and starts quite slowly is enough to slow the anxiety for
most girls.
Some boys worry that the nocturnal
emissions that they experience are somehow not quite normal and
others worry that they are not experiencing them at all and that
this is abnormal. Reassurance is needed here. It is all
normal. People are different and everyone matures at a
different rate--but people Do mature.
So reassurance, normalizing
feelings, and explanations about body changes characterize the
overall picture for conversations about sexuality at this age.
Being able to comment on your own sensitivities will help make
the conversations with your preteen less confusing and it
should all have a good outcome!
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