Guidelines for the Parent
Who Does not Live With The child
It is important to be on time for all
visits. The children MUST be able to count on you. Remember,
divorce leaves children feeling abandoned in some fashion or
another. When you who undependable (i.e., late) the children
tend to fear abandonment again.
Be flexible. As children get older, their
needs change. Become involved in their activities so that they
don't have to miss them on your week-ends. They may fear
hurting your feelings by speaking up. Include their friends, if
they would like, in your visits.
Be firm. Many parents who don't live with
their children try to make up to the kids by spending more money
and making visits like a holiday. This makes it harder for the
kids to go home because there is such a discrepancy between the
two homes. It also gives unrealistic expectations about ow
money is spent and the value of real relationships.
Be creative. Quality time is more important
than quantity time. Time together doesn't have to be out. It
can be at home with popcorn, a movie, and conversations with the
child about what the new experiences in the family are like,
school, friends, and values.
I tell my clients that I believe that
families can get through anything if they talk about it.
Use the activity to have the conversation.
Amusement parks are great but the pace is too fast too have the
conversation.
Be thoughtful. Parents who don't live with
the child can afford the opportunity to relatives on his or her
side of the family who would normally be cut out of the child's
life by the divorce to maintain contact with the child. It is
important here to brief the relatives on the structure of the
child's every day home so that that structure is not disturbed.
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