This was the question that my latest new client posed.
Elizabeth explained that she had had enough. The straw that broke the camel’s back ( not really such a straw) occurred when her mom became ill.
Married for thirty years, Elizabeth cleared with Charles the necessity of her trip to care for mom. He agreed. He explained to me that he bade her farewell and went on with his life. It never occurred to him to call her to check on her welfare or her mom’s. He scheduled an appointment for he and his wife in panic. She wants a divorce.
He further explained that he loves his wife. He grew up in a silent household—silent homes happen when people avoid conflict. If I say nothing, then I can’t be attacked or criticized. Of course, I can’t get understood or make emotional connections with anyone either!
This is a tough nut to crack. He isn’t résistent. Charles has no emotional language and his brain doesn’t run to thinking about people. It is a form of Aphasia. He has no language for feeling and no thought process for what things to do that would connect him to others, especially his wife.
So we must start at the beginning. We must find out if Charles has EVER told anyone about himself or any feeling he recognizes
In truth, some men and some women- but more men- are so cut off that they don’t know what they feel.
There is a whole list of things people can do to demonstrate interest in each other. My Universal Truths is full of them.
For example, ask someone about the last thing they said to you before you both parted company. Ask for news about that thing. Join someone in what they like to do rather than in doing something that you like. Study others to observe what pleases them and what emotionally excites them. Then act on it.
Recently I saw a couple where she had planned her whole life around his medical practice. She was tired and angry.
Three children later, he didn’t even know what size she wore! He knew more about his patients than his wife!
Larry is observing her now. He invites her on dates and he gets the babysitter.
When they go out, he asks about her life and her new business. His wife has just told him that she feels loved for the first time in 13 years of marriage!
Unfortunately, some partners, more of them men, are so afraid of being emotionally intimate with a woman that they may never change.
These men, unfortunately, get mean when a woman gets too close. They are afraid of disappointing, or of being found deficient somehow. They drive women away, and sometimes men too. In this case it may not be fixable. The answer is to leave or adapt.
Hopefully, this problem gets discovered before children but it may not. As divorce always hurts children, the partner in such a situation may have to opt for a different life than originally planned. Career, friends, and raising the kids may come before romance and spousal intimacy to keep the family together. The rest may happen when the kids leave home.
