There are many forms of communication. In fact, it is impossible not to communicate.
We communicate all day every day. We do it with words and we do it behaviorally.
The healthiest communication occurs when our words and our behavior are in sync.
However, what are we saying when we say that a spouse does not communicate with us?
The differences in the genders are interesting and the end goals usually diametrically opposite. Generally speaking, we women seek intimacy. We are the caretakers by gender training. We want to know what our spouses are thinking and feeling. To have such conversations makes us feel whole and a part of someone.
Conversely, our men are different. As we women feel most fulfilled when we feel needed and are taking care of someone, our men feel most whole when separate or independent. Their gender training, unlike women’s to caretake, is to be strong and to run things successfully.
Our men are raised to earn a living, compete, and keep the nearest woman happy. Making her happy means not disappointing her.
Therefore, most of our men are taught early to cover their imperfections so as not to disappoint. So the genders start out at war—the women to “discover” what their men are about and the men to look perfect, heroic, and in charge this can’t work but surely can Create lots of conflict and avoidance.
Moreover, when we women think we are being avoided, we get angry. Then we get loud and perhaps accusing. Now we don’t sound like anybody that a guy, already worried about disappointing, would want to share sensitive information with of any kind.
Esther Perel talks about intimacy as ,”in to me see. “ I certainly don’t want a woman breathing fire to see in to me! So all of this boils down to trust.
If I want someone to be open with me I must pave the way. I need to be open myself and also calm and reasonable. I need to ask questions with curiosity rather than making statements or accusations.
Sometimes, a person who hides from vulnerability has real secrets.
There are couples who struggle with intimacy for a lifetime. The openness never existed but one partner or another thought what didn’t exist in the courtship would suddenly blossom in the marriage. This isn’t likely.
Then there are situations where intimacy did exist and then something changes. One of the partners suddenly withdraws.
This is the point at which the partner who feels the withdrawal asks if an affair existed on the part of the partner who has withdrawn. Withdrawal means secrets.
The relationship becomes stalled when there are secrets. So the secrets must emerge for the relationship to continue. Sometimes this takes a long time, lots of patience, and lots of calm.
