I do not necessarily believe that counseling with couples before marriage is for the purpose of advising them as to whether they should marry or not.
Sometimes couples present with infidelity on one or both sides of the relationship. Sometimes it is serial.
When infidelity presents in the courtship it is a bad sign and surely a time to take a second look at the prospective marriage.
Infidelity that shows up in the courtship may well not ameliorate over time. The paradigm is foolish men who don’t feel man enough and angry women. Philandering which is what this is called has a poor prognosis. Serial infidelities beginning in courtship may well not get better.
However, there are other reasons that couples come for help before marriage and the idea is viable.
Since people have no educational requirement to get married OR have children, it is. Important to learn HOW to make marriage work.
In courtship and engagement the bonding hormone, Oxytocin , runs high. Couples are usually so « in love » no advice of caution would divide them or cause them to slow down.
However, I see premarital counseling as an opportunity to do a thorough history in the presence of the partner for the purpose of tracking emotional patterns for each partner.
Once emotional patterns are tracked the couple can understand where they are apt to get in trouble and how trouble can better be avoided by staying off the hot buttons.
Recently a couple came to see me after he broke the engagement. She was devastated and he frightened.
His father has spent 40 years catering to his mom. She is seen as high maintenance. She is described as highly emotional and the maker of messes that the father cleans up. The son sees mom as falling on dad regularly.
The. Girl comes from alcoholism on the part of the mother. Her dad died after a long illness. She has a history of having no one to help her. When she met “Jeff » he was all the things she hadn’t had. He is competent and reliable—and terrified that any prospective partner will turn into his mother!!
Janice has to live as if she doesn’t need Jeff but wants him. And, that is not likely to change.
This isn’t working now and won’t work over time.
Janice has to live as if she doesn’t need Jeff but wants him. And, that is not likely to change.
Jeff must tell Janice when he thinks she is being needy. He can’t wait for her to figure it out. His mouth will protect him as long as she is sensitive to his requests. This sensitivity is necessary to marriage.
Couples must tell the truth, talk about what doesn’t work, fight to find out what they are doing wrong, and hear the message.
